happy mother’s day!

On Mother’s Day my toddler picked me flowers, without prompting. It was heart-melting to receive a handful of squished dandelions from a serious little face. I teared up. If you have noted that I cry a lot, I do. Any woman who has small children and tells you she doesn’t cry at least once a day is lying.

She felt it too… she’s just busy now.

I distinctly remember picking flowers my Mom as a little one. I helped myself to a few of the neighbourhood lilac bushes here and there and it was SO worth it to get my Mom’s always amazing reactions. Whenever we brought anything “creative” home as children my Mom would go over the top with the “it’s BEAUTIFULLLL’s”.  It was so nice to always feel proud and confident about whatever we were doing (even if it was stealing lilacs). My Mom is  a great role model to me and there are so many things I want and hope to do as well as she did as a parent. Love you Mama!

Though Mother’s Day was good, it wasn’t all good. Mainly because I fell over naked, and yes, I cried a little again. Ed took A. downstairs to play so I could have a bath. L. aka Tiny was sleeping and normally she sleeps for a while being that she’s fresh. Today she decided not to (fun choice!), so I had to get out of the bath soaking wet and rescue her from her relaxing crib, with soft sheets and sweet white-noise. Obviously the minute I picked her up she stopped crying and smiled at me.

Drunk on soothers.

Needless to say the floor was wet and when Ed and A. came up I was walking back to our room and slipped. Falling naked sucks. Let’s just say it hurts the pride. Plus it kinda really hurt my ankle. It is not an activity you can do naked and feel good about yourself (Seinfeld recommended combing your hair naked as much better, less aggressive I guess?). I can now laugh about it, thank-God for hindsight (pun intended). I will now forget this incident ever happened.

Back to another highlight. My sister (also a top-notch Mama) bought A. a tutu this weekend and it has been everything both she and I thought it would be. Let me explain. When I had a child I always dreamed he/she would wear random costumes at random times. This is hilarious. Last week I saw a little boy in the grocery store wearing a cape with fake biceps built into it (superhero style). It was fantastic. Kids just have no shame. I’m pretty sure if I found a similar get-up for Ed and the world was a friendlier place, he would totally wear it to work. So needless to say A. has been wearing the tutu dress for approximately 48 hours. She took it off for bed but I found her crying in the morning with it half over her head (she reached through the bars and snagged that baby off the couch in her room). After her nap today she put it on as well. Finally, a kid in a costume 24/7. Who could ask for anything more?

Yes she’s also eating lip gloss here. Can you blame her? Looks like fruit.

spring has sprung

I know it is Spring because the guy who uses a hacksaw DAILY in my neighbourhood is at it again. Seriously, how much wood can one guy cut? I’m starting to think he owns a tree-house somewhere else in the city that needs a lot of repairs. When you have “napping” (in parentheses for obvious reasons) children you actually want to use the hacksaw on the guy. Put your saw away and have a beer buddy. Please, I beg you. I also know it’s Spring because this is what my hip looks like:

Yup I have a massive bite already. You know the expression “like bees to honey”? IT should be like bees/ants/mosquitoes to Janey”. I am a bug magnet, always have been. I think I want nice weather in my life and then it arrives and I look like someone who sleeps in the backyard every night, covered in honey. This particular bite was from an actual bee. They are out in full force here and are giant. I was stung when I put my denim jacket outside to air out for half an hour, because no, I have never washed it, and when I went outside to put it on, I was attacked. Ok, I was stung and it really f’in hurt. I cried a little. But then felt heroic that it did not get one of my kiddos. I took one for team clam!

Instead of Spring cleaning this year I am adding to my stuff. My hubby and watched the David Beckham Addidas commercial twice a few weeks ago, just by chance, and now we are the proud owners of Climacools:

Oh David you could wear a scrunchie and I’d probably buy it…

I know I have man-size feet. Shut-up.

It’s also Spring because I had a pedicure! First one since birthing L. You know when mean ladies say things like “you’ll never get your nails/hair/vagina waxing done after you have a baby” and then they cackle at you knowingly? Well they speak the truth. You cannot leave a breastfeeding newborn for what seems like ever. It can be really, really tough to never be alone, or leave the house without a small person who really, really needs you. Mostly your nipples which is never convenient. I read something recently that the first 100 days are the toughest with a new baby, and I think this is true. May 29th will be our 100th day (not that I’m counting), and already it’s easier. Last night L.went to bed at 7pm and slept until 1:30am. YAY for a bedtime! Mama went out and had her nails done. Honestly, when you have a had a break the whole world seems so much rosier. As I was driving back I was almost tempted to go in and watch them sleep because I love them so much. However I didn’t because if I woke them up I might’ve tried to run myself over with the car after- if Ed didn’t do it first.
Any how the best part about my pedicure is that the woman doing it thought I was a university student! Being that I was in sweatpants and wearing no make-up, this made my friggin’ week!

Was it because I picked this colour? Probably.

So needless to say I loved my night out. I might have to pay her to say that again next month. It’s really hard to feel pretty as a new mother. I always have baby vomit in my hair, I rarely get a chance to “do” my hair (think frizzy ponytail), I have two inch roots (ombre anyone?), and I mainly wear stretchy clothes. Sometimes, I feel weepy because my shoulder is always wet where I have recently wiped off the baby puke.

But of course it’s all worth it, because the snuggles are hands down the best.

She likes to get as close to my chest as possible at all times.

1-2-3 F it: parenting a toddler

As a parent, once you have finally stopped obsessing about sleep, your sleep crusted eyes often switch their focus to your child’s behaviour. Basically you have to start parenting. As in, creating a healthy child who will one day be a semi-normal adult. So my almost 23 month old (I only know she’s 23 months because I got the BabyCentre email today, thank God)- sleeps beautifully from 7pm-6:30am (except when she takes all her clothes off at 5:30am), but is now independent, has words, and has a helluva personality. I have written before about my spirited child. Most days I think she is spirited, rather than just stubborn,/naughty/has tyranical tendencies. The fact is, all children are born with a temperament.  Some kids listen. Some kids don’t need baby gates, or to be told not to jump from the windowsill to the couch. We need  the gates, and we need eyes on the prize at all times. If not, the prize lies on top of her baby sister in the bouncy chair.  This post is not meant to be negative. Though A. sometimes has me at my knees, I love her fiercely. I also feel reassured that she will not get pushed around in the playground one day. Mostly because she will be doing the pushing. Crap. But also because she is strong-willed, athletic, smart and determined. Yes, she  pushes when she doesn’t want to share, and she has tantrums when she doesn’t get her way. The past few weeks have been challenging to say the least, and there will more weeks like this to come. However, as with all spirited children, when she’s on, she’s on. She’s amazing, delightful, a little ray of sunshine.

I really I am cute, but may need braces one day!

However when she’s off, she’s off.  If this sounds familiar at all, buy the book Raising Your Spirited Child. I have only had time to read 60 pages of it, but it made me feel like a better parent already. Apparently, I am not the only one doing serious wrestling moves to get a diaper on my kids butt EVERY SINGLE DIAPER CHANGE. We had a honeymooning period with the new baby, and now it’s over. My toddler is definitely showing me she’s mad at me, and she does it by sitting on the floor in the grocery store, taking off her boots and saying “no do it”. Or by pushing at daycare.  Or by colouring all over herself. Sidebar: A. still goes to daycare three days a week. I felt some initial guilt about this, but now admit I look forward to quiet days with the baby. It allows me the time to conduct research on toddler discipline. Read on.

I have a good friend who is a parent-child therapist, working with children ages 0-6 and she’s been such a great support. Mostly, because she tells me I’m doing a good job , and that tantrums are 100% normal:) No but really, when they are under three, they really can’t be “disciplined” in the traditional sense. They really can’t be spoiled or loved “too much”. They also just don’t really get 1-2-3 Magic or time-outs. Child development research really backs this up. The basics right now for the little ‘uns are to distract and re-direct. Of course when your child hits or bites, you have to say “we don’t hit”. Not because they “get” this concept but because really, it’s socially unacceptable and you do want to be invited back to the play group right? Then you remove them for a short time and it’s over.  I recently read a great article that describes toddlers as cavemen/women. One of the experts said “Toddlers are uncivilized and primitive. Hitting and biting are just primitive ways to communicate”.  So, my job as a parent is to help A. with her big feelings, so she can eventually communicate them more effectively (because biting her boss one day just won’t fly). When she tantrums, I will now picture her with a leather tattered get-up on and a club in her hand. 

The article, and my smart friend, talked about how toddlers feel very strong feelings. My friend said “when A. is mad/sad, picture the angriest/most upset you have ever been, and that’s how she’s feeling”.  She really encouraged me to sit with her during tantrums, and if she will let me touch her, to do so, if not, sit close and be with her. I have noticed A. will initially be really angry, and then after about a minute she just crumbles and wants a hug. It must be exhausting to be that upset 20 times a day. No wonder she clocks 12 hours at night. This is all about emotion regulation. When children are  really young, the best thing you can help them to do is to regulate their emotions in a  healthy way. The feeling part of their brain is mega overactive, and parents ideally would teach them how to balance this out. As a social worker, so many of my adult clients struggle with emotion regulation,  a lack of which leads to so many  of life’s struggles, socially, in relationships, at work etc. Emotionally intelligent people are successful too! This is what I tell myself, because I suck at math. But really, when children are little they need love and guidance around their big cave-person feelings.

Obviously this approach takes great self-control. Today when I had to carry A. home on my hip while L. screamed in the Bjorn (I carried total of 42 lbs for six blocks) it took everything I had not to throw my child. She would not walk. She will never walk home when I go and get her. She either arches her back and kicks me so I cannot get her into the stroller (double stroller=waste of money) or she sits on the pavement and will not get up, or she walks the opposite way to which I am going. It is so f*$cking frustrating. It makes me question everything I have done as parent. I mainly feel guilty and blame myself. How did I create this behaviour? AHHHH! I also feel sad because I want to hold her hand and look at the flowers and give her my attention. I love walking with her when she will walk, nothing beats a toddler looking at the world. Instead (some weeks) it feels like it’s always negative and I am left thinking: save me from this life. Why did I have children? Needless to say we were all sitting on the carpet crying by 5pm tonight. So, no, I did not regulate my emotions and I did not handle A’s tantrum very well.

However, when I am rested and calm, I feel in control and in turn can help her soothe herself or distract her easily. I try not to bribe, threaten, give-in, raise my voice… and the list goes on. I use my words. Mostly I can do this because I am lucky, I am an educated and experienced social worker, I have a supportive partner and many more things on my side. I do know that everyone has different circumstances, some of which can make for less patience and more desperation. Parenting is not easy, no matter what life you have. To make myself better tonight, I read a bunch of other Mommy blogs about parents having crappy days and using humour to make it seem bearable. This one titled Anyone want a 3 yr old boy made me really happy, and this one titled The Bedtime Ritual made me high five myself. Finally I felt a warm hug with Why you should use condoms because I know this too will pass, parenting gets easier, and mostly that I am normal – well kind of

up to my elbows in it!

Today deserves a post. It has been an epic day in mother-dom. I woke up feeling great. Lately I have been sluggish and my mood hasn’t been great.  The weather has been GREY and I am tired, a little down, and sore. No really, I am sore. I have a new (to me) postpartum side effect, something I have never heard of- joint pain. Read more about it here. I have been lying in bed at night with achy wrists, knees and ankles. It makes me feel about 80 years old. Normally I feel 50 these days so this sucks. It’s hurting me physically and emotionally, because I like to workout and joint pain means taking it easy. I was excited to try this really bouncy class at my gym, and sadly, it’s out for now. Probably a good thing because the jumping jacks cause me to pee myself and hurt my massive melons. I can say this because normally they are barely visible.  To combat joint pain one can take fish oil, and to combat low mood one can take Vitamin D. So I started doing both last week and today I feel really happy and less sore. Added to all this I probably just have PMS. Because yes, once again at 8 weeks postpartum I am menstruating. If I were an Irish Catholic woman (hence the word menstruating) living in the 1950s, I would have 9 children by now. Breastfeeding is not birth control in this house folks!

It was also a nice morning because my toddler was not naked in her crib. This is her new trick. She wakes up super early , 5:30ish, and strips down. Diaper and all. Then she cries because she’s cold, or because she has peed the bed. At what age do they understand consequences? Clearly not 23 months. Although, the result she gets is a snuggle between her two besties “MommyDaddy” as she calls us both these days ( I guess the beard and glasses don’t give Ed away), which is perhaps just what she was scheming at 5:29am….

Back to my great mood today.  I got the baby dressed and promptly sent this photo to my Mom and sister-in-law:

Sweet heart!

To which they responded that she looked adorable. My sis-in-law actually said “angelic”. Yup. I thought so too. Next I got myself dressed and we drove to the gym. This is where it gets fun. I parked at the new Target (basically attached to my gym, hollllla!) and I went in and walked directly to a staff person and asked where they keep the umbrellas and women’s socks. The staff person was really helpful and I now have new socks and Ed has a huge man-size umbrella. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “this isn’t fun, why is she boring me with sock purchases?” Wait for it…. At this point I touched my neck and thought “hmmm I forgot I was wearing a scarf today”. I didn’t forget. I actually was wearing a hoodie backwards. Amazing Mom move. I was clearly in a rush to get out of the house and left like this:

Will try and sell this look to Lululemon shortly.

It’s hard to see in this picture I took of myself (sefffffffieeeeee), but it was a an awkward look. There was a lot going on in the front, and not in a good way. I felt embarrassed. But only for a second because having a baby does that to you. Once 10 people have had their face in your crotch you don’t embarrass so easily.
Off I went to my Body Pump class, and sweet little baby L slept peacefully in the swing. I picked her up and as we arrived at the car she popped her eyes open, perrrfect. Stay awake for Mommy, she loves it! No. So, I brought her into the front seat and fed her, to avoid a crying fiesta on the ride home. She responded with this:

I don’t like this outfit Mom.

Thankfully because she is my second child, I had an extra sleeper with me. With A I learned the hard way when the gym daycare staff lovingly changed her into a 1970′s looking boys outfit they had lying around after a major explosion with no extra-clothes provided by Bad Mommy. I didn’t recognize her in a baseball themed sleeper and acid wash jeans when I went to get her. Trauamatizing for both of us. .

Back to the car feed  human drive thru-I awkwardly changed her and covered us both in mustard stains (breastfeeding poos are like mustard, and they stain, big time). We drove home. She clearly felt relaxed and “light” so she slept. I felt my blood pressure spike and go back down. Just a typical five minutes in my day.
We did a quick turnaround at home and headed to her first Dr.’s appointment. She is perfect, obviously. Expect for the tiny  horizontal mark on her chest I had the Dr. look at- which he told us is a THIRD NIPPLE. And, he had to Google this, in front of us to make sure he was correct on this diagnosis. Does he have a medical degree? I think so. Should I be changing Dr.’s? Maybe. But I don’t have time. We all had a giggle at the three nipple images that came up. Then he kindly pointed out one image that came up of a grown man had pierced his third nipple. Chortle chortle, laugh laugh. Just a typical appointment with my GP, the Google King. About her nipple though, don’t worry it’s fine, nothing to worry about health-wise, it’s called a Supernumerary nipple.  No you cannot see it, weirdos. I will let L pick and choose throughout her life the candidates that are allowed to see her little friend. For now I rest assured that she has something in common with my favourite three nippled villain, Scaramanga. He appears in the James Bond movie The Man With The Golden Gun.

Scaramanga! Keep your top on please.

I feel like it’s been a pretty good day all around. I wonder if I will go get the mail without pants on later? Who knows? Every moment is exciting around here!

things i do not miss about being pregnant.

When I think about it, the main thing I miss while pregnant is agility. Running up stairs without panting, rolling over in bed comfortably, not falling over in stores, you know- the simple things. While I always try to be positive while pregnant (and I can usually do so because I have overall had nice pregnancies) I would say while pregnancy is not disabling it is uncomfortable. This time, the best thing about labour (other than the baby  obviously) was waking up not pregnant. It was like I could breathe again. Literally, because I definitely had pregnancy congestion with both my girls. I tried everything but basically mouth-breathed all night for many moons. I know what you’re thinking: SEXY. This style of breathing in turn gave me mega dry mouth (more SEXY) and made me very uncomfortable. Yes, as recommended I bought a humidifier. But because I could not point it directly into my mouth, it really didn’t help.

I also love the light feeling of not having 30 lbs of pressure on my bladder anymore. Again, while it’s not painful, it’s very uncomfortable. It’s a bit like wearing  a heavy backpack for  several hours, you feel it on your shoulders (in this case it was my crotch), and it’s not pleasant however there is no prescription you can take to lighten the load, and complaining about it is useless. However when you can take the pack off (or  ya know, birth the baby) it is such  sweet relief. I would’ve done a two-step if my vagina wasn’t broken….

Heartburn is another fun one I don’t miss. So happy not to feel this after eating the BEST foods (because what else would it be?) like coffee, tea, chocolate and spicy meats. Who doesn’t love spicy meats?! C’mon!!!

Finally, I had horrible insomnia this time. I would lie awake from 2-4am reading or just thinking terrifying thoughts as you do when it’s 2am. It is cruel, cruel joke to have insomnia when you finally have a child who sleeps from 7pm-7am. So your tiny is sleeping soundly, and you are awake. Welcome to parenthood I guess. Many women suffer from pregnancy insomnia and basically the experts say things like “take a warm bath”, or “do some light exercise” before bed. Yeah. If that worked I, and hundreds of other preggo’s probably wouldn’t have been lying awake. I guess they can’t say “drink a bottle of wine with some Gravol”. And ps: no exercise is light at a certain point in pregnancy. I sat on a bike at 40 weeks and it was like sitting on a bladder with 30 lbs of pee in it. Too much information?

Now that I am not pregnant I am raring to go! Mentally I want to get back to exercise and moving like the agile cat I am. Ya-hmmmmm. My midwives and absolutely every postpartum exercise website I have read says I really shouldn’t do more than walking/light cardio and yoga for another few weeks. Something about loose joints as a result of hormones. Therefore, I am resigned to wearing workout clothing while watching my baby sleep.

The gym is lame. Let’s sleep.

loving two under two.

Now that I am firmly (well I’m still a bit wobbly especial ’round the belly) a mother of two, I can speak to what it’s like. Having one child, your first child, starts you on  such a roller coaster of emotion, filled with doubt, questions, joy, sadness, love… the list goes on. You have a hyper-focus on him/her, you are on a very steep learning curve, and there is no book that can tell you what to do or how to do it right (there are several that try though, burn them at once). I read this article on FB last year and it hit home with me and I’m sure tons of women who were at home with their first baby “waiting to hear the key in the lock”. Nothing can prepare you for parenthood.

So with #2 here, I can say it feels much more relaxing in some ways. I really don’t worry as much, I can actually sleep while she’s sleeping! With A I would doze for 20 minutes and then stare at her for two hours. I just had this nervous electricity running through my veins at all times with her. I hated it when she cried, it literally sunk deep into my bones and made me feel crazy. With L I realize she is going to cry and I don’t have to swerve the car off the highway to stick my face in her car seat and sing lullabies (never worked by the way) in hopes that she’ll stop. Crying is babies talking, and sometimes they are stressed, just like we are! What has surprised me about having two children is how emotional I feel about sharing my love. My heart feels stretched so thin. The first few nights I was home from the hospital I cried while lying in bed, thinking about my “first” love: my first child. I really am grieving her being my one and only. Everything was a first with her, and up until three weeks ago we were a tight knit family unit of three. It was her and I in the car together singing Sesame Street, her and I in the bath throwing bubbles at each other, her and I, her and I, her and I. The guilt and loss I feel about having to give her a few less hugs so I can breastfeed L is powerful. I know she is small and will only ever remember life with a sister. But obviously I put grown up emotions onto to her and think she’s devastated and cries out in her sleep because somewhere, somehow she misses me. It’s funny, but I feel our “time” together was so short and though my first year as a mother was not all roses, I find myself wishing for some sweet moments back. Sigh, of course. Now I am the obnoxious mother saying “enjoy it, it goes so fast”. What has been helping me work through these feelings (I can say I’m a social worker) is talking to other mothers, and again, the honest ones all say they experienced the same thing. Lots of tears over the change in the family dynamic and the foreign feeling of not only have eyes (and love) for one. I also know that no matter what age the first is when the second comes along, there will be an adjustment. Yes, if A was three she’d be potty trained (hopefully). But she might understand more that this baby is getting a lot of attention. There is no “right” time is there? If you want your family to grow it grows, in the way it’s supposed to. Overall I can say everything I worried about hasn’t happened. Shock horror. Worry is useless as we all should know. I went to a yoga class last night and the yogi said “worry is always about the future, about what happens next”, and it’s so true. If we could just BE, life would BE a piece of cake! A lifetime of work ahead of me with that one. It’s also just hard having a newborn, you are hormonal, emotional and tired. This adds to the tears and some of the big feelings. At least babycenter.ca tells me this is ok, and normal. For now I am still finding a balance and getting used to this change, and trying to take the saying “take it easy” seriously.

I am also working on teaching A her sister’s name as she currently thinks it’s “baby”.  Can you blame her?

My beauties.

Go natural or go home (aka I missed my epidural)

Baby number two has arrived! She came in with a bang on February 19th at 7:55pm. It was SUCH a different experience from my first labour- mainly because this time I was home all day labouring and had a natural birth at the hospital. I would like to preface this post with this statement: epidurals are sweet heaven. Though I now know I can do anything, and that my body can feel like it is being split in half from the anus up and it won’t, I still think pain relief is pretty special and would never say no if it’s possible. Would you get a filling without freezing? Yes? F-U. So you catch the drift that with this second labour I missed the window.

I had been feeling crampy for a few weeks and had many early labour signs, including acute lower back pain for a day, I think because baby Leah was moving down, just pondering coming out. La-di-da. So on the 19th I was 4 days overdue and feeling pretty grumpy.

Smiling on the outside.

I really thought baby #2 would come early because I was carrying her so low. Nope, she wanted to roast a little longer. I walked to Early Years with my Mom and Annabel, and started to feel the cramps coming back every few minutes. But surprisingly they were very manageable. Like mild period cramps. So we played, I met my friend Maggie for coffee (she was with me when my water broke with  Annabel, baby whisperer?) and was still noticing the pain coming every few minutes. Hm.

I had actually booked acupuncture to “bring on labour” for 11am that day (did I say I was grumpy?)- and I called to cancel it because it was feeling real! I paged the midwives with a heads up and I called Ed and he came home with a mountain of junk food (it just felt right) and I pretty much went about my day with contractions coming every 3 minutes. When they came I got on all fours and rocked which actually didn’t feel good at all but I’ve seen this in the  movies and  it seemed to work for them. Yes, I ‘m  a weirdo. Standing up felt better, and rocking was key for me. Breathing is a bunch of bull-shite, it gives you something to focus on but honestly takes no pain away. Maybe if I was breathing in morphine? The bath was also really nice, felt like a massage on my belly.

So my sister arrived and we had a full team (Mom, Ed, Sara, Annabel). Around 5:30pm we were eating Quiche and things were picking up. I finished dinner and thought another bath would help. Then it got real, the contractions were 30-45 seconds all day and 3 minutes apart all day, but until 5:30pm they were manageable. I had one in the bath that felt like knives to the belly. The midwives called me at this point and when I described it they said to meet them at the hospital. I still wanted Ed to put Annabel to bed (my baby!) so said we’d be there in an hour. Yeah…. little did I know this was cutting it close. My sister put Annabel to bed and my Mom, Ed and I drove to the hospital. That was a painful ride and of course we hit every red light. Between contractions I was chatting during I was crying. Holy pain. Again, it’s amazing what the body/mind can do. Once at the hospital I thought I could walk, but then suddenly I couldn’t and was wheeled up. The midwives took one look at me and admitted me. They did a quick “check” and I was 9 cms! I was shocked. I was also begging for an epidural. I picture myself looking like a deer hit by a car- sweaty, huge scared eyes, desperate. My midwife was very nice and let me know it would take about 20 minutes to get fluid in and then start the epidural, she also also casually said “let me know if you want to start pushing”. Whaaaat?! And a couple of minutes later I was pushing. About 5 pushes later little (well huge) Leah arrived! She seemed smaller to me but was 8lb 11oz, so no, she was not smaller.  It was such a different experience because I was so in the pain zone I didn’t see her come out, and I didn’t really know what was going on. Again, I know it was quick and I had a sweet chubby baby on me within minutes. And I was no longer pregnant woo-hoo!

Big angry baby!

So far she is a great nurser (she needs to keep her shape you know) and doesn’t like to lie flat on her back (causing for some creative sleep solutions). She doesn’t cry much but likes to be held full-time. So pretty typical baby? I hope to keep updating this second baby experience, but for the life me I do not know how people blog regularly with kids, this has been a two and a half week post for me. When I could blog it’s 8pm and I need ample time to get into my pj’s!